I need to let it out. Just for one night, let the confusion and anxiety out. Don’t get the wrong idea, the journey is a great and happy one. But that doesn’t mean there won’t be challenging times or difficult times and I think it’s OK to talk about and acknowledge that. Otherwise everyone is just fake happy all the time with rainbows and butterflies. There have been days I was so full of joy I couldn’t stand it and there have been nights I have cried myself to sleep. But the story of Noah teaches us there must be rain for the rainbow to come. So here goes, and hang in there, it has a happy ending.
The closer we get to placement, the more family and friends ask “How are you going to make it?” For some it’s just passing conversation, some are genuinely concerned and questioning. In my head I answer “I have absolutely no idea” but out of my mouth comes “Oh, we’ll be fine”. I do this for two reasons. One, I don’t like to lose it in front of people, Two, I think if I let it out, the tears will never stop. First it’s the deciding, then it’s the choices, then the paperwork, then the preferences, then the waiting (granted in our case this was not very long, prayers for those who continue to wait), then the financing, then paperwork again, then planning. I am starting to learn that planning is a futile effort, because God does not follow our plan. He has His own plan and guess whose is more important? That’s right J . So I need to learn to follow His plan which is usually off on a tangent from mine. So I have been planning this last week and today just came and whapped me upside the head with change. Change that I was not expecting and was not in my plan. And I let it beat me. The worry, the stress, the unknowns got to me and got me down. Really down. It diverted my attention from this.
This is the important thing. This is our daughter. She is the reason we are on this journey God has destined for our life. So I realize “How are we going to make it on our own?” We’re not. Nor were we ever meant to do this by ourselves. The only way we will be able to do this is with His help and guidance. When we lean on God for help and understanding, only through faith and dependence can we accomplish what He is truly calling us to do. And this is our calling, of this we have absolutely no doubts. So tomorrow…..it’s on to more paperwork.