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Friday, January 6, 2012

Darkness and Doubt

     Yesterday was a bad day.  The darkness started small a few days ago.  A little bit too much on my plate, a little too little sleep.  It escalated to 5 piles of clean clothes, needing folded and put away, housekeeping that needed to be done.  Several events in the next two months I need to get ready for.  It grew to a birthday party I forgot to plan, was egged on by a three year old who did not want to go to sleep and screamed for a half hour and exploded when I checked voicemail from the day before and discovered my kids missed a dental cleaning that I had absolutely no memory of making six months ago.  The darkness told me I was a crummy mom, "How could someone forget their child's dentist appointment".  I was a failure as a mother, my husband deserved to have all his clean clothes folded in his dresser, I should have read my daughter a book to ensure she was properly winded down before putting her to bed.  "They deserve a better mother" and then doubt delivered a blow that crushed me "Why would anyone entrust another child to you?  You can't even handle your own."  This is not a new thought, it is one I struggled with for weeks when we were first considering adoption, but more on that later.  Last night I gave in to the darkness and doubt and went to bed crying, discouraged, beat down, and disappointed in myself for letting down the little ones God has entrusted to me.  Do I know where those thoughts and feelings came from?  I sure do and it wasn't from my God.  My God is loving, patient, and kind.  He is an encourager, supporter and a solid rock of strength.  It wasn't his voice whispering these doubts in my head and fanning the flames of insecurity and worthlessness.  It was the other one, the enemy, who was stealing the hope and joy that God had given me about adopting.  So he won, but not for long.  After getting in car this morning to make my commute into work, I heard Casting Crowns "The Voice of Truth" on Klove radio.  It was exactly what I needed to remind me that what I heard wasn't His voice.  His word is forgiving, encouraging and brings hope.  The song says
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
      So I am renewed by His word; my hope in where His journey is leading us is once again restored.  My joy in wondering about the child God has chosen for us is back.  Will this be the last time those thoughts try and steal my hope?  No, but it gets easier and easier to invite God's peace into my thoughts and chase the darkness and doubt away, leaving room for His voice of truth.  In case you haven't heard it, here you go.  I pray it encourages you in whatever obstacle you are trying to overcome today.  By the way, the next three songs in the car? Jason Gray's "Remind Me Who I Am", Hillsong United's "Hosanna" (my favorite song ever), and finally Mandisa's "Good Morning".

1 comment:

  1. This is beautiful and so encouraging, Roberta! (PS: Jason Gray's song is my favorite right now.) Love the blog and love you.


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